I Didn't Make It To A Year

Welcome back! 

I just wanted to start off this post by saying how thankful I am to those who not only shared their experiences with me but also reached out while I was abroad to make sure I was okay. 

Let me just clarify, anything I post on here is not a cry for help, and I can assure you I'm okay. As a society we rarely ever talk about mental illness/mental health and so I feel like people automatically assume I'm not okay. That is not the case. I have always been more comfortable than others when it comes to speaking out about my own mental health issues. If I post something on here that you personally find concerning, thank you! I'm so lucky to have so many people care about my well being, but until I reach out to you personally I can assure you its not a cry for help. Now with that out of the way we can start on the good stuff. 

I've been back from Australia for over two weeks now. I traveled almost 40 hours before I landed back in Ottawa, and the first day back was rough to say the least. Not only was I exhausted from travel but my body was in shock as soon as i stepped out of the airport. Needless to say its not easy to go from one extreme temperature to another. 

Right off the bat, I obviously didn't make it through the whole year, as I told people I would, and I'm okay with that. I didn't buy a return ticket and I didn't have a plan, which in all honesty was probably one of the biggest mistakes I made while away (which I'll talk about later). And while I didn't make it through the year, I did last longer than I thought I would after I got to the hostel on my own. 

Why didn't I make it through the whole year you ask? Well for one thing, I ran out of money. I was warned by many people that staying in Sydney, paying rent, etc. would drain my back account. And they weren't wrong. I was by no means living the life of luxury but my roommate and I did okay, and we had each other so I didn't really ever feel too worried. Ideally I should have traveled first and then settled somewhere if I had a desire, but faced with the idea of planning my trip alone in a strange country suddenly became overwhelming, and I ended staying in Sydney longer than expected. It felt easy, I was already comfortable in Bondi, I made friends, i felt comfortable, I had family close by, all of which made the decision to settle down in Sydney a much simpler decision. The second mistake I made? Finding a landlord on Gumtree. Never do it. Ever. Now, while I could elaborate on the living situation I dont really feel any desire. It was blown out of proportion by a landlady who clearly has no business letting people into her home. Learn from my mistake, always go to a realtor. Always.

I found a job pretty easily, and it quickly became the best job I've ever had. Coming from a job that I absolutely despised, working at Bras N Things felt like a whole different retail world. I was comfortable quickly, made friends at work quickly, and suddenly found that having a job did give me more of a purpose than just having an extended vacation. I still had lots of time to see friends and go to the beach, but I also had places to be and people to help, and that made a huge difference for my overall well being while in Australia. 

Okay, well if it was such an amazing trip why did you come home so soon? The short answer: while I was able to leave a lot of things behind once I got on the plane to Australia. my mental health was not one of them. And in some ways it even got worse while on my own. 

I honestly believed that going on this trip on my own would result in my coming back to Canada free of any mental health issues. Of course I knew that leaving wouldn't cure my mental illness, but I did think I would return to have them completely under control. Which reading back sounds pretty bananas, to be honest. 

I have never been one to handle change well. Big changes cause big swings in my mood, and I often become very anxious and overwhelmed with doubt and depressive moods. But being that I never really traveled before, I didn't know that I would react the same way. Shocker: I did. And as a result I didn't do much travelling once landing in Australia. What I did do was a lot of thinking. I had never been by myself before. I never went to sleep away camp, I never went away from school, hell when I was a kid I only slept over at very specific peoples houses. I had trouble separating myself as an individual from my family unit. I hoped that leaving would give me to opportunity to make decisions that involved me thinking only about myself, and not how my decisions would effect others. Living on my own definitely gave me that, and it was fucking exhausting. It did give me a sense of independence, even if my trip didn't play out in the Eat-Pray-Love way I had envisioned it going. 

Back to my original point. I had been having issues with my mental health months before I left. I was working in a job I hated, I woke up every morning not wanting to get out of bed and face a job I hated. I decided that once I quit my issues would go away. 

Then I quit my job, and spent the next two months getting ready for my trip, but I still had the same issues. I couldn't understand why I had no motivation to plan this trip I was once to excited about, which led to me not planning at all. I told people I wanted an adventure and that I would play it by ear. I decided that it was just nerves from going away and being on my own, and once I got to Australia I would feel fine. 

Once I made it to Australia and my issues didn't poof up in smoke, I decided it was just because I had to adjust to my new surroundings. I made friends, found a job, found a house. I got used to being in Australia pretty quickly and came to love being there. I could often see the ocean on the bus while heading to work. I could go to the beach for a mere hour if I wanted and didnt have to feel bad about wasting the day, because it was only 15 minutes away and could go back any time I wanted. Yet, even with all of that, I was still severely depressed. I didn't understand it, or rather didn't want to. I couldn't understand how I could be so happy and so miserable at the same time. So what was the issue?

The issue was that I thought leaving my support system, not dealing with my issues and moving to a different climate would Bippity-boppity-bo my depression away. Surprise, it didn't. What I should have done was deal with my issues and THEN go halfway across the world. However, hindsight is 20/20.  

So where does that leave me now? Well, Im in the awful Canadian weather I was so desperately trying to avoid. I'm back living with my parents who I love, but desperately missing the freedom I had to come and go whenever and wherever I wanted. I've started seeing someone seriously, a first for me and not something I would have been able to do before I left. I have a better idea of what I want to do in terms of post-secondary education, and I have a better idea of what I like and what makes me happy, while it also being easier to make decisions for myself. 

Looking back I know what I did wrong. I should have actually planned where I was going, and where my money was going. I should have traveled first and then settled down. I definitely should not have found a landlord on Gumtree (take my word for it, 10/10 would not recommend), and I definitely should have been easier on myself when it came to my mental health while over there. 

Ultimately, I think it was a good trip, and good for me. I keep thinking about going back and would find it surprising if I didn't end up living there again for a while. I definitely had expectations that were too high, but that also is part of the learning process right? In the end, your accomplishments will looks different than other peoples, and going on this trip taught me a lot about comparing myself and my progress to others. It sucks, don't do it. Overall, I am beyond proud of what I was able to accomplish personally over the four months I was away from my family, and I wouldn't have given it up for anything. 

If you are under 30 (although I believe they are extending the age restrictions for visas) and dont have any dependents, I 100% recommend looking into working holiday visas. It was an amazing way to travel and get a genuine feel to the city or country, and (not to sound cheesy) but a great way to make lasting memories