A Brief Summary and Traveling Alone

Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for sticking with me in my long absence. Luckily I've gotten my introduction post (On Being Afraid...And More) out of the way, so I can jump right into the fun shit. 

Turns out it's way harder than I thought it would be to blog without a computer and access to reliable internet, but none the less Im back to give it a shot. Unfortunately all my beautiful pictures of Edinburgh and London are on my camera and I don't currently have any way to get them onto my phone, so those detailed posts will have to wait for another time. I will give you a short overview however. 

Edinburgh was amazing. It was super old and super gorgeous. I stayed in a hostel right next to the castle which was clean and had free tea, coffee and hot chocolate (along with milk and sugar) for the guests. They also offered activities in the evenings, some of which were free and some you had to pay for. I went on a free spooky tour, led by Australian David (he insisted we remembered to call him that as there were multiple Davids with the company) which wasn't that spooky, thank God because this girl is a massive chicken. I met two lovely girls, Linda and Ciara, with whom I spent my second full day with. 

London was also amazing and old, but unlike Edinburgh it felt like an actual city. Edinburgh almost felt like a museum that no one actually lived in. Ciara (from Edinburgh) and I spent my one full day in London walking down the Thames. We saw the London Eye, Parliament, Big Ben and Buckingham palace before we decided to just wander. It was a lovely day and I didn't see nearly as much as I wanted in either cities. Which I guess just means I'll have to go back. 

By the time I got to Sydney, after a long and uneventful flight, I was ready to be with family and in a room I didn't have to share with anyone. My first week in Sydney I did absolutely nothing. I read my book and explored Mona Vale, which is in the northern beaches, where my aunt and uncle live. It was quiet and beautiful, which was exactly what I needed after traveling for five very hectic days. As someone with constant anxiety, I get exhausted really easily and boy was I tired. 

My second week I explored parts of the city I hadn't before, such as Newtown, and learnt how to navigate my way around Sydney using the public transit. This city is so fucking massive. I not only had no idea how large it was but I wasn't prepared for anything of this magnitude. I feel like I could spend my whole year here and still not have seen everything. 

I'm now on my third week and have moved into a hostel so that my family can prepare for the imminent arrival of their baby. Which is really where I wanted to start off this post, but as I haven't been super active on social media besides Instagram and Snapchat, I felt like I owed you a "brief" summary of my time. I'm not very good at keeping is brief. 

So let's get to the point. Traveling alone is waaay harder than I thought it would be. I'm an introvert by nature so I thought I would be fine, but it wasn't until I was by myself in a different time zone from everyone I normally rely on that I realised how much I do truly rely on other people. I didn't realise how much I talked to my friends. Back home, even if I was by myself I was always talking to someone. By myself at lunch? Texting a friend. On the bus? Texting a friend, because let's be real people my age don't call each other. And now here I was, in a new city and all my friends are asleep while I'm off exploring, and I found myself without anyone to talk to. I mean sure, I have cousins here who are my age but did I really want to be that person who bugs their cousins all day every day? No, they had their own lives and their own friends, and I decided I wasn't going to impose myself on them unless they wanted to see me. And so I found myself without any friends. That's when the loneliness kicked in. 

I'm still lonely. In fact, hours before writing this I was looking into flights home because I couldn't possibly imagine spending another week on my own, let alone the rest of the year. Not that I think I HAVE to stay in Oz for a whole year, I know I can go home anytime but I also know that if I went home so soon I would be mad at myself. So I am now currently stuck. I've decided I have to stay at least a couple more weeks, yet lonely as hell. 

Everyone is telling me I'll meet people, which is probably true. And don't get me wrong, I love the environment and being a 15 minute walk to the beach, but it's all rather hard to appreciate when you are in a funk. Luckily one of the girls sharing my room is lovely, but it's different from having an actual friend. Someone you can talk to about anything and at any time. There is also the fact that I am quite shy. Shocking I know. Most people who have met me within the last five years might have a hard time believing it, but I was always in an environment where there was some kind of ice breaker. Either we had the same classes or we worked at the same place, so I could use those as a jumping off point and they didn't really have much choice but to talk to me because they were in the same boat, and eventually I would win them over with my winning personality. But here, no one has to talk to me or give a single shit about me. I'm surrounded by strangers which has always been my downfall. Introducing myself to people seems like an insurmountable task. I'm that person who just stares longingly at groups of people having fun, until someone takes pity on me and either talks to me or invites me over. It was the same way with picking partners in school. 

And here is the flaw with what everyone is telling me. "Just introduce yourself! People in this area are friendly." Which is easier said than done, when I'm constantly anxious around strangers. And when I say anxious I mean my brain will not shut up. Am I coughing too loud? And I coughing too much? Will they judge me if I readjust too many times? Stupid shit that doesn't come to most people attention, suddenly becomes all I can think about. 

Not only that, but I've always found big changes difficult. For example, I was looking forward to coming to Oz for a long time and now that I'm here I find it almost impossible to enjoy myself because I feel almost separated from what I'm experiencing. I know what I'm doing is great, and I know I should be having fun, but for some reason a large part of me is either indifferent or just wants to be back at home. Which SUCKS. And it's not as easy to snap out of as one would think. Now I'm stuck with a constant battle of wanting to enjoy myself and knowing I SHOULD be enjoying myself, and being upset with myself because I'm not feeling the way I decided I should feel. It's all very confusing. 

I have five or six more days in Sydney (days don't really mean much to me anymore) and then I think I'm going to have to move on. One: because like I said I could spend forever in Sydney. Two: because I'm really hoping that like in Edinburgh and London, if I keep busy then I'll be too tired to worry about loneliness and anxiety. And three: Sydney is fucking expensive and if I don't leave soon I will spend all my money and not have seen anything. 

Unfortunately for me I was so anxious about leaving I could bring myself to plan my trip, I believe "going with the flow" was the excuse I was giving people, and now I'm so lonely and in a funk that I do not have the motivation to plan. My next big city is going to be Melbourne, but wether or not I want to stop anywhere along the way, I haven't a clue. 

And that, dear readers, is where I leave you. Confused and in a funk, but ultimately that's the majority of life is it not? Until next time! 

Xoxo