On Being Afraid...And More
When I think of the emotion I'm most comfortable with, my answer would have to be fear. Reading that over I can understand how that might be confusing, since fear is not a comfortable feeling. Some find fear to be motivating...I am not one of those people. I have been fearful most of my life. I was scared I would fall off my bike, so I never learnt. I was scared I would fall on the ice, so I refused to learn how to skate. Regular experiences most people associate with childhood and think of as normal experiences, I missed out on because I was scared. When I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in my early teens, my mental health took a turn for the worst.
It's hard to explain to people what it's like living a life in constant fear. It's debilitating. I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't go to school, I couldn't see my friends. I didn't graduate with my class. I didn't leave for university when all my friends did. I felt like I was left behind in a lot of ways. I'm lucky to have parents who encouraged me to listen to my emotions and trust that I knew what was best for me. After grade twelve (when all my friends had graduated), I switched schools to an alternative high school. And yes, it's as hippy as it sounds...and I loved every minute of it. Everyone was called by their first names (teachers, students, the principal), a group of students (lead by a teacher) made lunch every Thursday, and there was a breakfast cart that came around every morning. The people at that school were diverse and wonderful, and it was the first time possibly ever that I truly enjoyed learning and being at school.
Now, my anxiety didn't just disappear. During the winter months I still found myself practically hibernating instead of attending school. But the staff was helpful and supported me instead of chastising me for not coming to class. They didn't make me feel stupid for not having a solid plan after graduation, and encouraged me to push myself. It was an experience completely the opposite to what I had originally experienced.
While I've come a long way in terms of anxiety, I'm still a fearful person. I have this awful habit of procrastinating, which I attribute to my fear. Fear of the future, fear of going broke, fear of never attending university. Because of all this fear, it's easy to just...not. For a while after school I existed in the state of being where I wasn't working toward anything. I was just existing.
I had always known I wanted to spend an extended period of time in Australia from the moment I landed in Sydney the first time, when I was ten. It's silly and difficult to explain, but the air felt different both times I've been. The culture is different. Everything felt different. I didn't feel afraid. Now, it's quite possible that I felt that way because I was on vacation, but I've been on vacation before and I never felt like that.
I decided to go to Australia last fall on a working holiday visa. The visa itself lasts 12 months, I didn't book a return ticket. It's shocking to people that I've decided to do something so outside my comfort zone. And in fact I found myself telling people I was going without actually applying for a visa or looking into health insurance. I was procrastinating. I didn't want to be, but the more and more I thought about leaving the life I was comfortable in, leaving my family and friends, the harder it was to send in the application. It wasn't until one day, while scrolling through Pinterest, that I saw a tattoo.
"Nothing happens until something moves." I felt like I had been hit with lightening. It was one of those moments were you hear something at the right time and it resonates with you. I applied for my visa that day, and was granted my visa on the following. My fear made it impossible to imagine a life different from my own, but maybe part of my anxiety was coming from my environment itself. You can't heal in the same environment that made you sick. Not that I believe all my anxiety is due to my environment, but some of it is. Nothing was going to change unless I changed it.
My time at home is rapidly coming to an end, and it's terrifying. I hate the idea of being away from everything I've ever known, and yes I realise how dramatic that sounds but it's honestly how I feel. I'm scared shitless, and my habit of procrastinating hasn't stopped since getting my visa. I'm almost a month away from saying goodbye to my hometown, and I still am rushing to get everything prepared. I feel overwhelmed but in the most positive way possible.
I don't really have much of a plan for when I get to Australia which is definitely out of character for me, but for the first time in my life not having a plan isn't scary. I'm excited. It's an adventure. I'm hoping to be able to work on my fear while I'm in Australia, as well as small personal goals I have set for myself. I want to be able to enjoy my time there (and just life in general) without being fearful of the future and of the unknown. And I'm excited for you to join me...XX
It's hard to explain to people what it's like living a life in constant fear. It's debilitating. I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't go to school, I couldn't see my friends. I didn't graduate with my class. I didn't leave for university when all my friends did. I felt like I was left behind in a lot of ways. I'm lucky to have parents who encouraged me to listen to my emotions and trust that I knew what was best for me. After grade twelve (when all my friends had graduated), I switched schools to an alternative high school. And yes, it's as hippy as it sounds...and I loved every minute of it. Everyone was called by their first names (teachers, students, the principal), a group of students (lead by a teacher) made lunch every Thursday, and there was a breakfast cart that came around every morning. The people at that school were diverse and wonderful, and it was the first time possibly ever that I truly enjoyed learning and being at school.
Now, my anxiety didn't just disappear. During the winter months I still found myself practically hibernating instead of attending school. But the staff was helpful and supported me instead of chastising me for not coming to class. They didn't make me feel stupid for not having a solid plan after graduation, and encouraged me to push myself. It was an experience completely the opposite to what I had originally experienced.
While I've come a long way in terms of anxiety, I'm still a fearful person. I have this awful habit of procrastinating, which I attribute to my fear. Fear of the future, fear of going broke, fear of never attending university. Because of all this fear, it's easy to just...not. For a while after school I existed in the state of being where I wasn't working toward anything. I was just existing.
I had always known I wanted to spend an extended period of time in Australia from the moment I landed in Sydney the first time, when I was ten. It's silly and difficult to explain, but the air felt different both times I've been. The culture is different. Everything felt different. I didn't feel afraid. Now, it's quite possible that I felt that way because I was on vacation, but I've been on vacation before and I never felt like that.
I decided to go to Australia last fall on a working holiday visa. The visa itself lasts 12 months, I didn't book a return ticket. It's shocking to people that I've decided to do something so outside my comfort zone. And in fact I found myself telling people I was going without actually applying for a visa or looking into health insurance. I was procrastinating. I didn't want to be, but the more and more I thought about leaving the life I was comfortable in, leaving my family and friends, the harder it was to send in the application. It wasn't until one day, while scrolling through Pinterest, that I saw a tattoo.
My time at home is rapidly coming to an end, and it's terrifying. I hate the idea of being away from everything I've ever known, and yes I realise how dramatic that sounds but it's honestly how I feel. I'm scared shitless, and my habit of procrastinating hasn't stopped since getting my visa. I'm almost a month away from saying goodbye to my hometown, and I still am rushing to get everything prepared. I feel overwhelmed but in the most positive way possible.
I don't really have much of a plan for when I get to Australia which is definitely out of character for me, but for the first time in my life not having a plan isn't scary. I'm excited. It's an adventure. I'm hoping to be able to work on my fear while I'm in Australia, as well as small personal goals I have set for myself. I want to be able to enjoy my time there (and just life in general) without being fearful of the future and of the unknown. And I'm excited for you to join me...XX
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